The last week again was like any other week I have been through. I don’t know how many kilometers I scrolled across my phone’s screen. Documentaries, podcasts on doomerism, AI, and whatever else the algorithm decided I should think about.

I watched all that but when I retrospect, I really didn’t learn anything. What is it that a human wants, a purpose? Something to dedicate their lives to? To love someone? What is it? I keep asking questions to myself and no answer comes because there is not a single original thought that I can possibly have with all this shit in my brain.

Here is how I got addicted to consuming.

It all started when I was maybe in 11th. It was Netflix at first. To me, who didn’t know anything, everything on it was interesting. I would go on and on to watch that series, that movie, then repeat for days. I was maybe 17. Didn’t know about anything else, social media still far away. Times were actually good. It was probably in those days I watched One Punch Man, peak action! (to date)

While I kept watching, my grades kept slipping. I would now watch everything that would come on television. I would come from school and start watching and go upstairs at 6-7 PM. Of course I didn’t get a good enough college. (which ig now is somewhat better?)

I met a friend who introduced me to mainstream anime. Netflix had anime too but I really didn’t know the word anime till then. I was pulled in again, not by that friend but myself. Wow, more content. Let me watch more and more!

Fast forward 8 years.

What I am now is probably the worst version of me, or wait, that is yet to come.

Days pass. Months go away. Years sift by. I have no realisation. One can ask but why am I BS’ing here about all this. Your attention span probably is smaller than me, you just don’t know it yet. I know no one reads this blog so I take it up on myself to document what I go through. People call me, I look like a stoner while I am not. People ask me, what happened to that project you were working on?

What happened to you?

What can truly happen to one’s mind if all he does is just consume, consume and consume? Heck I can even write now with my eyes closed, that is some achievement… lol. Moving on.

Although I try to observe other people more, today I tried to observe myself because I was alone here.

Day starts.

Phone somehow is already in my hand. I am not awake yet… looking through Teams. Did something happen? All good?

Ok then let’s try to sleep some more. Nope… hands automatically scrolling on Instagram. Everyone still sound asleep in the deserted neighbourhood.

I now wake up. Hands on keyboard, trying to see if there is some issue, replying to yesterday’s messages. I work on my feature a bit. I deploy it. YouTube opens. Some random video starts buffering and soon begins playing. I see to it. What is it about? I don’t actually remember what I watched this morning.

I eat something out of the fridge, drink some water. Immediately I start watching every video on my homefeed and refreshing it after every 2.

Oh this? Oh that? OH what?
Ok, I can see why they will do that.
Oh look at her, damn.
Damn these guys are having fun, good for them.

I have a friend I don’t talk to. I had friends that are not near me anymore. Thoughts come and then it starts playing. There’s an ongoing meme about how Nishant Kumar (Bihar’s current Health minister) is maybe not so healthy himself and is probably a ganja addict. The song Roll Paper, it starts playing in my mind. I keep watching every second reel on him.

Then I somehow end up on X, to see this post. If they decide to delete it, here is the post:

 1For all the tech bros and sisters, what will you even do with all that -
 2
 3>hollow money
 4>make my parents proud hoax
 5>moving away of “freedom”
 6
 7if your young years of life doesn’t look like this?
 8
 9get off the foggish ego, show that trust in dm, money will come and go.
10
11But not the innocent love you are secretly running from.

I get why they will try to remind us that there is actually more to life. It sounds easy right? I mean try to live however you want, ig that was in movies as well. But for me I don’t know why it is so difficult. Maybe I need belt treatment.

I take this essay to examine what is it that I want that I cannot have?

Well I don’t have a high paying job.

Just yesterday I somehow heard some guy’s conversation with ChatGPT in which the guy asked, “You are not human, you can’t even have a girlfriend.” To that the LLM agent replied… in that aspect we both are same ig!

(While in the real one the agent replied, yes, you also don’t have it.)

I heard it somewhat different. To me, that colleague’s laugh and this conversation that they were having did something. I heard it differently.

Ahh shit, this is turning out to be long… Well I have all the time and it is Friday 6PM, I can write on and on.

What is it that it means to be young? Who are adults?

While the internet has painted a picture in my mind that teenagers are the ones who are always partying, roaming here and there with friends and, to blame TV shows probably, doing some hanky panky because that is normal.

And that adults are the ones who go to work, go to gym, focus on career, probably dating and maybe planning to marry. Happy overall. This is one side, the other side is that these guys are depressed souls who want to exit this world asap.

I am 28 and I don’t feel I am any of that. Yes I am maybe slightly more depressed since maybe last 4 years, and yes, I have these thoughts. While I have obviously been on the second side, I was never on the first one. To me days are without joy, there are no highlights.

Then there are 30 yo, 40 yo, so on. They all have their own take. I will probably have some version of mine.

I watch so much stuff about every random thing but yet I don’t think I know anything. I don’t feel I am even what I get paid to do. Who am I? What do I want?

It is so easy to blame the tools and existing times that I keep running in these loops of trying to do better. Enough!

Ahh did you think I will finally be better? No, I will continue to be my worst.

It’s so confusing right? Well none of it makes sense, but yet we live, yet we fear to die.

Well .. maybe i will get better at writing too.